now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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