I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
