Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
