if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
