Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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