Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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