Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
