the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
