K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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