Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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