Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
