the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
