My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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