i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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