a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
