you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
