I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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