she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
