My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
