In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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