saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
