This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
