I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
