is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
