True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
