youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
