i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
