I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she looked like the before picture.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
