ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
