I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
