It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
