I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
