saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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