Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
