I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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