I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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