well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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