i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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