Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
