u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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