I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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