even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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