i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
they're like a gay fantastic four
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
