Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
