I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
