Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
