You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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