I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
