im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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