i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
